Thoughts Before Therapy

I was just watching “The Therapist”. It’s a Viceland program and the conversations are groundbreaking. As I sit here and listen to the program, it made me think of myself and some of my thoughts and feelings.

I thought of myself and how maybe I dream so big and so much because some people laughed, didn’t believe or couldn’t see my visions. How some people I call friends have downplayed my ideas and successes or given backhanded congrats or acknowledgements and how that truly affected me. It may also be why I only like abstract and broad thinkers around me and how I will always find a way something could potentially work and is justifiable.

I’m sitting here taking inventory with my relationship with my mom. Understanding why we clash so much. Understanding that maybe the one thing that neither one of us wanted was for me to be like her or my dad. However, the deeper situation is how receptive was she as I was growing and maturing to being exactly what she wanted and in some ways how she stunted that early evolution.

Thinking of my problems with women and how the only woman in my life I’ll ever show weakness to is my grandma. Coincidentally, I feel my grandma is the only woman that has ever listened to me and understood me. However, she’s also the only woman who has never used my words or weaknesses against me. Nothing is tougher to deal with to a man with morals, ethics and principles than a woman who is willing to frivolously play with your words and weaknesses. I don’t know if there will ever be a woman I can talk to like I talk to my grandma.

The one woman who will have my heart forever is my daughter. My lifesaver, my star. I look in her face and see something so much greater than me. My biggest fears are not nurturing her uncanny potential and letting her down to the point that she hates me.

I also sit here and I have this feeling and thought that not so deep down, I am a lover. A natural lover of all people and things. However, I’ve experienced too many situations where that love has been disregarded and it has scarred me in a few ways. I also feel that many have gone out of their way to show me they don’t love me back. It’s probably why I love being alone and practice keeping to myself. Why maybe I am the shyest social butterfly you will ever meet. Why quite a few relationships are strained. Why I don’t apologize often and regret a handful of times that I have apologized. I like to give, help and love. It’s really who I would want to be at my core everyday to everyone. The problem is the people that I have given, helped and loved have taken, broken and abandoned me. I want to ask some people, “Where were you when I needed you most?” to finally get answers.

I’ve been saying for quite a while that I do need therapy. I really need to get the right resources together to take a few steps forward in doing that.