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So Apparently I’m Stressed

A conversation asking, “what does it mean to be stressed and how do you know that you’re stressed?” ended up becoming an alarming revelation for me. From the listing of symptoms I am extremely stressed out. I can’t say that I am surprised but I really didn’t think it was that bad. I literally had 3 symptoms in every category.

The pressures of earning and being a success are getting to me. The anxiety of having to be last in every aspect apparently is getting to me. Making ends meet has went from difficult to non-existent and if I’m not meeting others needs and demands it’s a problem. Silently I felt these things chipping more away from my being this week. It’s like I had lockjaw this week. I been clenching heavy and for the life of me I didn’t know why cause I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. That was a symptom listed for stress

I promise I’m going to afford therapy one of these days. I really need a person to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me. Somebody that’s not trying to give advice or “help”. I don’t need help all the time. I need people to listen. I don’t have many listeners around me. It would be cool for someone to just listen blindly to the things I want, desire and feel. Just listen to it. Don’t judge me. Don’t tell me how it affects you and what you need. Just be about me. Even if it’s just 2 minutes. Just be about me in those 2 minutes.

I really want to pick up a Mixed Martial Art, because going to the gym is becoming mundane. Maybe some punching and kicking would stop me from gritting and grinding my teeth. Perhaps that will calm my nerves and mellow my mood some more. An intense experience may be just what I need.

I can’t even write what I feel out right now. But it’s clear there is a lot inside and inside really wants out. What’s definitely on my mind is keeping the promise I made to my daughter for October. I am praying hard for a miracle on this one. I know how I would handle this if it was just me. I no longer have that option anymore. I’ll sacrifice whatever just to not let her down.

Yeah…I’m definitely stressed.

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