It’s been a trying few days, but I woke up feeling better. I woke up ready to get back to the new routines that I have started and with a more positive outlook than I’ve had lately.
In the midst of my financial troubles, personal struggles and internal thoughts, I doubted God and the existence of him or her. I’ve had moments where I have truly hated life and the feeling of never getting over or winning felt very real. I was beyond defeated. I was stuck. Mentally in a trance and numb to the pain. Unable to truly cry or react effectively.
As all those things happen, I see a FB post from a person I know that had been going through similar struggles previously. And how through all of his lows he stayed believing and stayed faith filled. I was reading his words as if I wrote them myself cause I too was in the midst of some of the same storms. Do I know when it will end? No. I just hope that it’s soon. I want it to be over, but its’ not on me to determine when.
Anger won’t help. Hate won’t help. Crying won’t help. Drinking won’t help, but continuing to work and being in the mindset of high faith will. It’s so hard to do that when you look back on your life and know better times. It’s even worse when you can see even better than those times in your mind, but reality is showing you different.
I’m alive and able to go for my dreams another day. Yeah, life be messed up sometime, but I’ll be alright. After all, I told myself I was great. I told myself, I can’t be stopped. So it’s time I start listening to myself and get back to being all I am, so I can achieve everything I see.
God. I have shunned and doubted you. I am sorry. I’m just so hurt and frustrated that the bad has hit harder than the good lately. You’ve hit me with so much good recently that I shouldn’t even be focused on the bad. Again I am sorry. I’m back to working and being patient. You know what I want and obviously I’m not ready for it yet. Please continue to prepare me for that time. In your name. Amen.