Deflated Feelings

It’s days like this where I really just don’t understand why life is the way it is. I truly do realize that I’m not going to get myself in a greater financial circumstance playing by “the rules”. The go to work full time, get overtime, collect your check and try to save rules. It’s getting me absolutely fucking nowhere and I fucking hate it!

Low wage is real. Debt is real. Not being able to have or find help is real. Sometimes I really think I’d be better off homeless or sleeping in a car. At least then I know I could afford to live day to day with a job. I don’t even know why I keep a job right now. It doesn’t even pay enough for me to live comfortably in the area the office resides. My reality is fucking trash and I feel out of options!

I don’t make excuses about my deductions or payments either. Hell, I should be making way more than I’m receiving so in my mind, that shouldn’t even matter. I should be able to cover that and a whole lot more!

I work so hard to try and do the right things and make the smartest decisions but it feels like there isn’t much moving in my favor. I want to get ahead financially. I really do. I don’t know why it is so elusive. It’s almost like I’m supposed to lose by design. I work; At some points in time 2 or 3 jobs at a time and I barely make money to half ass survive. It makes me anxious, depressed and uncertain that I have a real future in anything I do.

I’m over being positive right now. I need results. I can’t afford to live like this any longer. This truly isn’t the life for me. I am not going to die like this!